insecure
adj.
1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.
4.
a. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
b. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.
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The decade of 2000 has taught me the most valuable lesson thus far, knowing who you are down to the guts is the single most powerful tool you can possess. I am realizing this now, in my late twenties, it is very easy to tell who is real and who is fake. Thats a very amature way of segregating people but sometimes basic works. Living in LA you come across a wide array of people- some follow, some lead, some hide and some live their life with purpose and direction.
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What I want to touch on are those that live with purpose and direction because to me, thats the goal. Not worrying about the flock of mindless droids behind you. Never jeopardizing your character and your sense of self-worth for a cheap laugh or ego boost by people who are scared to think for themselves. Living off of the approval of others, never really being fully in charge of your emotions, constantly seeking the comfort of someone elses reassurance even when that someone is just as if not more lost than you are. Burying yourself with so much self concern that you really forget what its like to feel love and companionship. Losing the ability to feel real emotions based on real relationships that are built on respect and admiration of character and moral compasses. So lost in your own head that you are in auto pilot around others, never really focusing on the depth of relationships. Keeping everything inside your head, surrounding yourself with drones that you’ve manipulated to feed your addiction to yourself. Providing a false sense of comfort for others only so that they follow suit. Being scared to face the mirror because it doesn’t lie, it doesn’t provide empty comfort, it doesn’t tell you your funny. It simply shows you as you are, you eyes tell the story of your soul.
I was the drone, I was the leader, I was the hidden and the recognition of those truths have provided awareness and in turn freedom. Going through the cycle of insecurities that life provides- the reality of heartbreak, the discomfort of unfamiliarity, the constant self-doubt, creating empty relationships that provide false comfort as a coping mechanism. It’s only after facing the truths of these insecurities that you can grow. My father always told me, everything you do you do to yourself. When I heard it, I usually did something stupid and I was dealing with the repercussions. I never really dug into what that actually meant until I honestly reflected on life choices that I’ve made. Until I truly embraced the logic behind that phrase, I was constantly in remission. Never really learning anything from a self-inflicted issue expect how to get out of it with minimal damage. In retrospect, the mistakes that I’ve made were part of making me who I am today. In 27 years, I have never come across a phrase that means as much to me as that of my father. Now that same phrase motivates me everyday to utilize the other end of it. Everything that we do, we do to ourselves. You get out of something, what you put in. You can have the world as long as you go out there and get it. We are in charge of our own destiny, the outcome of our life is in our hands. As I stated early, I believe that self-awareness is the most important thing in life. I also believe that without feeling real emotion, real pain and sorrow, without every having been at the bottom of the rock- you can never really know what you’re made of. I’ve put myself in some of the worst situations possible and without the rawness of love and the strength to find the truth behind insecurities, I would not be who I am today. Consider this a declaration of independence, some Buzz Lightyear “to infinity and beyond” type mantra. With a clear mind and a head full of steam, the sky is the limit. To throw in some more clichés, “I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today”.
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This started as a vent and turned into a declaration from negative energies riddled with insecurites and masked with false comforts. Catch me if you can.
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Post Script- Referring back to an earlier post, my Brazilian girlfriend did in fact stay in the country and we are currently chasing a dream. Also, leave Tiger Woods the fuck alone AND Nibb High Football RULES!
