Ok Ok Ok, Sorry for my absence its just that I feel like Ive got nothing to say. I know Ive disappointed a number of you that check the blog with the same frequency as your blackberry, for that I am sorry and honestly its probably for your own good. But back to me, I’ve been trying to get in the swing of things for a while now but just end up facebook stalking those people that use facebook entirely too much. My life lately has been uneventful, Ill take a short while to fill you in. I live in a one bedroom apartment with my Brazilian girlfriend, her Jack Chi- Nano and the Television. I work at a job strictly for dollars, one thing I swore Id never do again, needless to say, when I “clock-in” I lose a little bit of myself. I wear an all black “uniform” and wait on people that shouldn’t be allowed out of the house. But enough about that garbo job. No longer do I have to sport my girls pink beach cruiser. I did another thing I swore Id never do again- got a car with monthly payments. Long story short, I have to keep a job until this thing is paid off. In other words if I finally decide to check off the backpack America box on my bucket list, Ill have to ask Mr.Chang for the time off.

Clearly I am not happy with the way things are going but with that said at least Im not drunk 6 out of 7 days a week. Damn! There I go again saying ugly things! While we’re on the subject, I no longer live a few blocks from the beach, I live right near Mr.Changs. LIFE.HAS. CHANGED! Long-term its for the best. Short-term, not so much. When I take 6 months to have enough stuff to talk about for a sub-par blog post for a once excitingly hilarious page, that’s my cue to understand the of importance continuing on my path. No longer do I have wild drunken nights that lead to a million different stories about sex, drugs and well…. hamburgers. Ive traded hilarious stories of Virgins and Internet dating disasters for trips to Costco and “that cute little restaurant on 2nd street”. Stories that begin with “We took the dog to the beach” and “Last night on American Idol….” Ive become a real life Frank Ricard. Tomorrow we’re going to have a nice lunch and hit Bed, Bath and Beyond so I can smother myself with a Nicole Miller 620 thread count Argos Pewter Duvet Cover. Yeah, I know what that is.

Still searching for that outlet people! In the meantime Im getting my ass up to Central Casting tomorrow to see if any new media needs a slightly over weight, mid(to late) 20′s male with working knowledge of Kung Pao Chicken and 6 tasty things to do with a wonton.

79

For all of those who have served

Thank you & God bless

The return of the one and only Julius Jack is only days away. Catch up or be LOST forever…

Pure Beauty

God Bless

*This post isn’t really about anything except decompressing this past week. Reading it back, it isn’t interesting at all.*

Major Life Changing Decisions

I dont know if its the lack of motion in my life as of late or the final close of the summer months but I actually convinced myself that I should move back to Connecticut for the winter. Am I fucking insane? I don’t own shoes! I cant do that but at the same time I already gave up the room in my house so now Ive got to be very fast and make some on my feet decisions as to where I’m going to write my next blog post from. Not only did I rent out the room in my house, I rented it out for $400 more than what I pay. That kind of hustle should get me paid in this world but I cant seem to figure out what outlet to plug it into. This drives me fucking crazy, I have the drive and the ability to make things happen but have no forum to do so in a way that will become a living. I seriously feel like I could be “The Wolf” from Pulp Fiction, I think on my feet and get things done in a timely manner when under pressure. With all that said, again, I have zero outlets for that in the real world. I’m actually hoping someone out there reads this and sends me an email titled “Relax, I have the perfect position for you”. Fuck!

There is No ‘S’ On My Chest

But sometimes I feel like there should be. No let me preface this by saying I love sex, period. There is no grey area, it is black and white- I love sex. With that said, I can not perform like a Superhero. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about a one and done kind of thing- I can rally. I really dig this girl, she makes me laugh, she turns me on always but now we’re getting in to areas of the human body. As a man, I can not perform 4-5 times a night every night! It just doesn’t happen that way. I not ashamed of it, I just simply can not do it! I understand shes leaving in a few weeks and we really have passion for one another but I feel like I’m being turned off by the amount of sex that she wants to have. Am I crazy? Is this a normal thing? Fuck!

The Mafia

No Comment

Couch Surfing

Yeah, I’m going to be a couch surfer for a month or so while I figure out what the fuck Im going to do. I cant really say that I’m upset about it, I enjoy things like this. Completely cutting free from obligations and just being out there and free to do whatever the fuck I want BUT at the same time- Ive done this before. I wish I could just figure it out already. Its not the economy because the jobs that I want aren’t affected by the recession. I have the ability to entertain, that is recession proof. I just need to entertain the right people so I can stop this bullshit. I know the future, although immediately might look uncertain, will be very good for me- I know this. I have no quit in me, I Will Not Lose- that’s the truth. There is nothing short of death that can keep me from believing that I will have everything I desire, I just wish I found what I’m looking for already! Fuck!

The World Series

My boys are back and I was there from the very beginning. Me and a fellow fanatic snuck into the most anticipated home opener in the history of baseball- we snuck in! We were at opening day of the new Yankee Stadium where you couldn’t find a seat in the house under $400. We were there to see CC Sabathia give up ‘X’ amount of runs and watch our boys lose, badly, to the Baltimore Orioles who finished the year in dead last. From there to here, from taking my nephew to his first game, to drinking 40s on Metro North with an old lady from the Bronx- twice, to watching Arod earn his stripes up to this point, to watching each pitch religiously as if I had personal stock in the team. This team has been there for me when I needed them, they provide comfort and an escape. When things in life get out of hand- they are there. The pending World Series championship means a return to glory for me, I was always on top when we were on top and since then I feel like Ive fallen to the depths. Not to say that if and when we win #27, all doors will open for me but its a start. NYY 09!

Yeah, You Know What It is

I will not go in to detail for a number of reasons, one being that she reads this blog now. Hopefully every morning, noon and night. I will say this- with all the uncertainty surrounding me, I am very happy to be reuniting with her. Where it will go is a mystery but I want her to know that there are no expectations to live  up to. The last thing I want is pressure to feel a need to satisfy the readers. Yeah I adore you and write about you in an internet blog for an average of 76 people to view daily but that’s not to say that I know what the hell I’m talking about. To quote the Prince Of Darkness Himself, “I’m a dreamer, I dream my life away”.  Just know this, I am me 100%- You be you 100% and maybe we can be we 100%.

Lots of Story lines to be continued on. Stay up readers

One Hundred

MALE COP
Yeah looks like you got the worst of it.
ROB ENGELSON
Oh great, so you think its broken? Should I goto the hospital? Great, this is just fucking great.
JACK MANGIN
Theres a Fatburger around here somewhere. Do you guys know its open? Id kill for Fatburger
MALE COP
Fatburger is closed sir.
JACK MANGIN
This is fucking bullshit. These scums jumped us, broke his nose and I cant even get a decent meal.
ROB ENGELSON
So you do think its broken? This is fucked up man. Fucking Mexican scums break my nose. I have to work tomorrow, Jack I have to go in.
JACK MANGIN
(whispers)
Shh, I think they both are Mexican. You’re going to get us brought in on harassment.
The cops hop in their cruiser.
ROB ENGELSON
We’re just going down the road. Can we get a lift?
MALE COP
Yeah, no we cant give you guys a ride but we’ll follow behind you so nothing happens.
JACK MANGIN
Really?
MALE COP
Yeah, sorry about that. Protocol ya know.
The female cop leans over and says something to the male cop
MALE COP (CONT’D)
Alright, hop in. We’ll give you a lift.
The guys get in the back of the cruiser.
JACK MANGIN
Fuck, this is awful. We should have walked.
ROB ENGELSON
Oh don’t act like you’ve never been in the back of one of these before.
JACK MANGIN
Oh fuck you.
MALE COP
So you guys are from New York? Are you supposed to be tough?
JACK MANGIN
Huh? Yeah we are just right down Ohio on the corner of butler. Thanks
ROB ENGELSON
Yeah this shit would never fucking happen in New York. These fucking scums. Chink and the Mexican scums. Ive lived here for a year now and I can’t stand them.
JACK MANGIN
(whispers)
Shut up! You know they have to let us out of the back seat. This is not a good situation.
ROB ENGELSON
Oh shut up. This is really fucked up. My nose is probably broken and I have to work tomorrow. I have a sales job not like those scums, I work for a living and those Mexican scums don’t care. They don’t have shit to do tomorrow. I have to work and sell something. I cant go in there looking like a street fighter.
JACK MANGIN
(eager to get out of the car)
Yeah, right here. Perfect, we’ll get out here.
The female cop opens the door for Jack and he busts out.
ROB ENGELSON
OK thank you guys. Sorry for being so loud but this is fucked up man. I’m not a fighter, I just wanted to get some damn food.
MALE COP
Its understandable, you got hit pretty hard. I’m sure your buddy there got in a few good licks.
ROB ENGELSON
Do you think its broken? Oh yeah, my buddy- he’s like a wild boar. OK I’m going to the hospital, thanks again.
Rob closes the door to the cop car and walks inside with Jack.

My quarter life crisis has turned into me burning my savings account on fire, gaining 20 pounds and well… grooming a great head of hair. Ive allowed myself to believe Im going to be an Actor/Writer only because Im too lazy to get a job. Well maybe its not laziness, I can wake up tomorrow and be motivated but a job would be the furthest thing from my mind. The only thing that appeals to me would be to do what I do now but get paid for it. I would like to obtain a 3 series, nothing too extravagant, within the next 6 months. But I have no desire to make payments because that would require a commitment to a source of income other than my own hustle and unless I’m getting residuals from a Colgate commercial, I don’t think I’m ready. It is my goal to never wake up to an alarm clock again unless for something important like a wedding or like if I went to bed and I was dying for a Sausage McMuffin and a hash brown- Id set my alarm so I could make it to Mcds in time. Ari Gold said it best, “Making something out of yourself is fucking hard”. I’m a funny guy, I think maybe if cameras were to follow me around and someone would edit a full day down to a 30 minute episode minus commercials, people would laugh. Matter of fact, I know they would. My friends and I are groomed for a reality show or a written show based on our lives. When I speak of my pilot, that’s what its about. Sounds cliche but very, very hysterical. The situations we get ourselves into really are outrageously funny and I really believe if we sat down in front of the right people we can make it happen and it would be epic. The odds of that coming together are stacked against us but knowing the way we work, I truly believe that one day soon we will get our chance. With that said, its not really something you can tell your Dad when he asks what your doing with your life. “Yeah Dad, picture Curb your Enthusiasm meets Seinfeld meets a guy version of Sex and the City. Now take all that- add some Jack Daniels and more sex, more drugs and healthy mix of quality music and thats what we’re creating.  But don’t be worried, its brilliant and one day we will all be eating off of it” I should be pounding away at that but instead I just ate a few vicodins, turned on The NOTORIOUS BIG’s Life After Death and now Im blogging while my left hand is asleep.

I love this time of year- NFL is in full swing, my New York Yankees are back where they belong , it rained in L.A yesterday and I tried on a turtleneck. This is the time of year to shed your summertime swagger and find yourself a girl that you’re willing to wake up next to, often. I found mine, I mentioned her a while back- Brazilian/Italian. Shes dope, really. I love hanging out with her, shes a lot like me in that she doesn’t always need to be out and about. Don’t get me wrong, I love going out but it gets old after a while and with the Summer that I had- I’m over it. I use these lyrics a lot but I love the girl it describes “Pretty, witty, girly, whirly. One who likes to party but come home early”. That is my ideal, I love a girl that loves to be a girl, one that can allow me to be a gentleman and open a door for her but at the same time not take it for granted. A girl that I can be myself around and not worry about her thinking I’m crazy. My perfect girl rolls out of bed and looks gorgeous- meaning I like her as she is not with an hour in the bathroom. Natural beauty gets me every time. Aside from her looks, I usually fall face first for girls that can make me laugh. Not like politely laughing but a girl that is actually funny and that shares the same sense of humor as me. Call me a narcissist but I also love a girl that loves me. There is nothing better than being all about someone that reciprocates that same feeling back to you, I love that.

My girl now meets all of those things. She can just chill at the house and watch some TV or put on a dress and be an absolute knockout with minimal effort. She’s fun and I don’t know if I’m coming off a series of lame girls but I’m really giving this one power rankings. We actually went to sleep the other night around 3am, ended up talking and messing around for a few hours, decided at 5am that we should play the Wii. Split a bottle of wine and played Wii tennis until 7am. I’m dating a girl that got out of bed with me after we had sex to play a video game and drink a bottle of wine only to come back to bed 2 hours later to sleep for another 6, that’s hot. Now if I can convince her that she should stay in the states with me to play Nintendo and chase a dream instead of following through with her plans to take over her family business back in Brazil this December, Ill be set until Rehab opens again next Spring.

One Hundred

PS- If any of you readers out there know Larry David, put the two of us in contact. I have a close friend that is a clone of him 30 years younger, no joke. The next chapter in American comedies needs to be written and we are the revolution. DO IT!

The Virgin turned out to be a very anti-climatic storyline, I think I realized that no matter how interesting her conversation was there was no way possible that Id be able to sustain a friendship with a woman that has lived on Earth for 25 years without experiencing an orgasm. When I come across women that say they have never climaxed, I find myself going to great lengths to position myself to be the first to meet the challenge. I dated a girl for a good 5 years, we lived together and periodically she’d have friends come by and hangout. One of these friends was super hot- tall blonde with a ridiculous body and an awesome personality. Every time Ive been around that girl I find myself in an instinctively flirtatious frame of mind- I’m trying to sleep with her. I don’t know if she is just that cool and enjoys the back and forth banter without intention or if maybe by a long shot, shes down. One day she came to the house before my girlfriend got out of work, with a case of Tecate. So I’m in my apartment, that I share with my girlfriend, alone with her smoking hot friend and a case of beer. The conversation goes as it normally does, very flirtatious. I have no idea how we got on the topic or if we were even on this topic but she drops the “Ive never had an orgasm” line on me. I thought “Holy shit, this is not good” This gorgeous creature of mankind that I was already fantasizing about now tells me out of the blue as we are 6 beers deep that shes never climaxed sexually?! Thinking back on it, I still get hard and lose my breath. The only thing that was on my mind was getting this girl up from the couch and into my room. I was literally swimming in thoughts of her naked body with her soft tan skin and amazing breasts sitting on me as if I had a saddle. Fuck! this girl was hot and if it wasn’t for the door opening and my girlfriend of 5 years walking through it, I swear this sexy piece of ass would have had the erotic excitement that everyone deserves- induced by me. Shes now married and hopefully for her sake, a bit more experienced.

I’m still struggling with the loss of SF’s finest, I know its fucking creepy but what can I say? I truly think that if this girl got to know me, she would be a happier person for it. When Im really into a girl and its normally when I initially can’t have her, I hold nothing back. I go full on until they are on the same page as me at which time I go one of two ways. I either feel like I won and move on or we continue and have an amazing relationship. I have no idea why but I truly feel that this girl is the latter. Again, I have nothing to really base this on except maybe a once in a while glance at her facebook page and some meaningless texting but its an overwhelming feeling of love lost. Very creepy, very strange but still very much the truth. Hopefully one day Ill be able to further explore these feelings but if not Im sure there will be another captor of my attention and SF will go down as what should have been. Ive got a strange sense of humor, I say whats on my mind, I have zero shame and I hate talking on the phone- with passion. With that said, its way too hard to try and carry on something of this magnitude being that I clearly do not live in that city. And with THAT said, I will no longer be talking about this girl. OK OK, maybe just a shout out here and there.

The internet date- in a expletive plus word- fucking hysterical. This girl must have been a photoshop wiz. I was expecting a petite, curvy blonde with great hair and I got something that my friend refers to as “The Nightmare”. No disrespect but come on, you can’t do that- it just isn’t right. I’m not saying that Im upset because I thought she’d be the girl of my dreams, that’s just not me. I’m on this site purely for the entertainment value and yeah of course to get laid here and there. So we had been texting back and forth all week leading up to the anticipated meeting on Sunday for The New York Football Giants game. My boys and I woke up Sunday morning much like we have in Sundays past, half drunk. That’s what Sundays in the fall/winter are all about. You get shitfaced drunk Saturday night and try and find a girl worthy enough to wear your sweats all day Sunday. To drink beer and eat wings with yet still look good enough to shower and play after Enourage. That’s the ideal and chances are if you can find that, it wont be at a random bar on the Hermosa pier. None of that happened for us the Saturday before the “Sunday Internet Date”, we were lucky to keep our drunk asses out of jail for fighting an old lady that lives next door.

The morning comes, we wake up, get dressed, pound a few shots, grab the football and head for the pier. As we get to there; we are launching the football a good 30 yards across crowds of people, back and forth to one another. A football induced broken finger and one friend down, we run into the girl then we run away from the girl. In transition my boy catches the eye of the nightmares friend- great. Five hours and a lot of Jack Daniels later the nightmare is on my lap and I am once again put in a position whereas all I can do is laugh and convince myself that these things happen for a reason. All the awkward moments, all the missed opportunities with the right women, all the tragic yet hysterical events like a bone sticking out of a pinky finger due to a poorly thrown football and a doctor wearing flip flops telling you just what you want to hear; “There is nothing you boys can do for your friend, we will take him to the hospital. Enjoy your Sunday”. The restrained jubilation, the celebration that followed, running into the Nightmare, scurrying out the backdoor away from the Nightmare only to meet up again hours later for two other potential lovers to meet and the blackout continues. Comedy,  pure and simple.

My screenplay is off and on lately, I keep wanting to change it. My TV pilot is what moves me daily, Ive got 4 episodes written and I really think its hysterical. I’m currently courting a Brazilian/Italian that leaves the country in 3 months, right up my alley. It might be strange to hear a man say this but I really enjoy being in love. I just haven’t found anyone, that lives locally, able to continuously challenge me and keep me interested. And THOSE that don’t live locally would probably bore me inside of 3 weeks but because I can’t have them, I want them more. I write about them in an internet blog and send them really creepy emails after I handled one large woman, one medium woman and a few hamburgers hence the title of this post. By the way, The Blueprint 3 is the best album of this decade.

100

I joined some dating site today, yeah I know. But fuck it, I’m tired of the same tired ass routine at bars. You ladies out there don’t realize it but you’ve got options. I don’t even talk to random girls at the bar anymore unless they approach. My nights out include me and my boys having a good time and yeah there are always women involved but we don’t get at them, that’s not the way of the world. If we approach you ladies, it gives you the opportunity and power to crush and so many of you want and crave that because of jaded pasts- fuck that. No more ladies, we need to get back to the basics- guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy and the rest is history. I might stick to internet sites exclusively- kidding. I am however extremely excited in meeting my first “friend” from the site. To me its really hysterical but at the same time practical, a few of the girls I saw today on that thing are absolutely gorgeous- to the point where it would be a pleasure to drink a few beers with them if only for the experience. Again, we’ll see where it goes fans- Ill keep you in that lizzzzoooop. For now I guess its back to the life of being a successful dermatologist intern at a major firm in West LA- Fuck, I definitely forgot my fake name let alone her name. No worries, Ive documented my lies in the BlackBerry.

One Hundred Percent People!